Pause & Reset

It feels like it has been a long time since we shared any updates - that's because it HAS BEEN a long time. After finding out our IVF procedure didn't take, we intentionally pulled back and worked on processing this news both together as a couple, and individually. Honestly, it was a tough few weeks and months of heartache - that still hits us at random times.

For us, a negative IVF meant leaning into a process of grieving our hopes of what could have been - which was and still is a new type of grieving. We took time to get away and enjoy being together as a couple. We visited and shared with friends and family, and also traveled to grieve the loss of my grandpa, Reese, who lived a long and very loved life. 

In May, we returned to the doctor's office to meet with our doc and get a better understanding of why IVF didn't work. While we still trust and belief the creation of life is completely in God's hands, there are still medical answers that help and guide next steps. 

Our time with the doctor was hard but helpful as we learned that the IVF process went well from female side - good amount of eggs, healthy growth, etc. Sadly we also learned that while Josh did have recovery (in the test results) it appeared his "boys" just weren't quite strong enough to lead to a successful pregnancy. The doctor shared that since the four extra embryos all Arrested Development by Day 6, it is believed that this is what happened inside my body as well. (Leaving us with no more embryos to try again). Even though we did all we could to create a great environment, ideal timing, etc., in our case it seems the pieces and parts simply didn't work.

Sitting in this meeting was hard, but also reassuring as we experience time with a doctor who shared with us directly and honestly. We asked if we should try IVF again and the doctor said he didn't not recommend this unless we use half Josh and half donor specimen. Knowing the cost for IVF and the odds of it not working with Josh's parts again means this is not the best choice for us. We won't do IVF again. It is hard to say this, as this also means that our hopes of having kids with Josh and Jenn DNA are fading away (barring God's miracle option of course)

We both can clearly say we still have no regrets in trying IVF and would have done it again. Of course, we wish the results were different but still no regrets. 

So what's next? 
Understanding that IVF with a donor was not a cost we wanted to take on, the doctor did recommend trying IUI using donor specimen again (since the my female side seemed to respond well to the IVF cycle).
The perk of trying this is that the cost is significantly less - and it would be kind of one more (or three more) chances to see if pregnancy is an option. 

We tried this three times in Dallas but it is recommended you try it for longer (maybe six times total) additionally we have had a few more procedures that may help in the process now.  (Always a maybe of course). After processing, thinking, praying and more, we have decided to try IUI again this summer/fall.  As the time-clock of age is ticking, we (and especially me, Jenn) want to see if pregnancy is an option.

While we pursue this medical option, we are still investigating other family growth options and praying through what God has for us as a family beyond the medical pursuits. 

Thanks for your continued prayers as we enter back in a familiar process that feels a bit like a gasp for air mixed with a umbrella of hope.