22 for Two

Twenty-two years ago, I awoke with anticipation. The day had arrived.
Our Wedding Day.

There was a timetable mapped out. Before hair, makeup and photos, I had planned to drive out to my mom’s gravesite because it seemed important to share a small piece of the day with her in some way.

It was a day that held a small sliver of grief, but overall, it was a beautiful, sunny, much-awaited wedding day. The flowers, dress, shoes, music, and decor were, for the most part, perfect! Our friends and family cheered with us as we literally skipped into marital bliss. It was the beginning of a new chapter.

Married life had its highs and lows, joys and sorrows, but overall life as Josh and Jenn Brown was truly great. It was a life packed with love, adventure, ministry and so much more. Remarkable. Unforgettable.

Waking up 22 years later, on May 18, 2024, I wake with anticipation, but it’s much different. How will I navigate the sorrow that still rests in my heart on a day with many different activities planned? Do I even acknowledge this day? The answer is, “Yes. I must,” if for nothing else but my own grieving heart.

Within the grief process, there is always a tension of what is and what was. A tension of remembering the beauty of the past and still trusting there is hope for the future. It is a space where both exist, and it is not always an either/or scenario. Today, there is sorrow for what could have been and often what I think “should have been.” There are questions that still linger. Personally, May 18 will forever be special – even if at some point I stop writing about it.

There is undeniable goodness in our love story. There is undeniable sorrow in our love story as well. It is a medley of many things including a call to remember God’s faithfulness and goodness throughout. It’s still a day with raw emotions. (Even though I have been grieving this anniversary now for 4 years!)

In my quest to find more words for this anniversary day, I’ll just leave you with song lyrics to ponder or listen to. Jason Isbell’s song, “If We Were Vampires,” brings tears to my eyes and also makes me laugh as I think about the debates Josh and I had about vampires. It’s sorrowful yet beautiful. At root, the lyrics speak of a longing for more time together with someone you love – there's seemingly never enough time. We didn't get 40 years together but did have 40 years of life in all. For couples who have or will have 40 years, that is something to be treasured for sure.

“If we were vampires and death was a joke
We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke
And laugh at all the lovers and their plans
I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand
Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind
​
It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
​Or one day you'll be gone”
_______

P.s. Thank you to so many people who have been part of the Josh and Jenn journey for so long, and to the friends and family who witnessed our big day back in 2002.

P.s.s. Happy Wedding Day for anyone celebrating on May 18! May God bless you greatly!

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