Recalling I Love You Messages

I awoke this morning from the couch where I’ve slept the past couple nights, worried to be too far from Josh. He hasn’t been doing well. He has eaten very little in the past couple days and has had trouble drinking out of a straw or even being awake enough to take pills. My heart is heavy as I sit right next to him watching him breathe heavily but with shallow breaths. I’ve resorted to liquid morphine for pain relief and to help with the breathing - although it doesn’t seem to help with the breathing but hopefully it does help with any pain.

When staring at your loved one in times like this, it’s hard to know what to do but I did the basic tasks of calling the hospice nurse and his sister, who called his mom and brother. They are coming to be with me in this uncertain time. I didn’t want to call in some ways but other ways know it’s also good for them to be here with me and with Josh. There’s nothing we can really do, but oh how I wish there was. I have wished there was something I could do for months but especially the past two.

Josh’s eyes are less bright and his hands sweaty from the medicine. He can’t answer my questions like he could even a few days ago. The end has felt close before but definitely does now. I don’t want to see him go but I don’t want to see him stay here in this pain either. It’s quite sad. Not just quite sad but really, really, really sad.

I have told him I love him like a zillion times and know he feels the same. I’m trusting the words I have heard him say before to me a zillion times. As I sit here, I remember and reflect on the various text messages Josh sent me when I worked, when we laid in bed together, watched our favorite shows or even sat apart in a room of people. Simple I love you messages that made me smile, every time.

I am not sure why I am even sharing this tender moment (or if I will on social media so if you found it on our blog - good for you). It’s a tender time as we wait for God to continue our story in his own way and time. It's probably even a little weird that I am sitting here next to Josh typing my thoughts and feelings, but I am not sure what to do really.

I guess, ultimately, I share this because I know other people have sat beside someone they love and because even in the grandness of my love for my spouse, I know it is only a fraction of God’s love for us. I hope in the middle of this sorrow that you more clearly see God's love. 

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  - Romans 8:38-39

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