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Last night, we watched the movie Rocketman about Elton John. It’s a tough story in many ways as this talented artist struggled much early in his career. What I enjoyed about the film was how Elton’s music and creative outfits weaved throughout the film. The part that got me though was the singing of the song, “Your Song.”
Josh and I have belted out this song to each other many times over the years, it was even part of a medley in one of our favorite movies, Moulin Rouge, and was, of course, part of our wedding music playlist. The song's chorus is captivating and beautiful. And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple, but now that it's done I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words How wonderful life is while you're in the world I even have a clip of Josh singing part of the song (not so beautifully) in our proposal video from 2002. (See below. You can also watch a shorten recap version of our proposal video or thefull length one here. As the song played on our TV last night, and even when writing this, I teared up thinking, “how wonderful life is that Josh is in the world.” So much has changed since April and I think often about how much I miss the silly, singing, smiling, expressive Josh that I have spent more than 24 years with. Then, I pause, glance over at him and can’t help but feel some joy that he is still beside me. Even though he is different, I can still hug him, love him and care for him in a whole new, unexpected way. I am thankful for each day we have together, even if the day means seeing Josh sleep for hours upon hours and then waking up to eat one meal, to watch a movie, to sit on the porch for 30 minutes, or simply to move to a new spot. It is crushing to watch the person you love drift from the person that you have always known. It’s hard to watch as this happens over a few years, like my grandmother facing Alzheimer's, or even in just a few weeks or months, like Josh. In the same way, it is crushing to see someone you love leave this world. There is no comparison of the two but just an acknowledgment that both have a tremendous weight to them. Even still, we continue to trust that God is our strength and song as we move through each moment and heartache. God's truth continues to serve as a reminder that no matter how heavy the season feels, there is much more to our love story than what we see in today's reality. "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. “ – 1 Corinthians 4:16-18
Here is also a link to Joshs' message at LifePoint Church where he used our proposal video to intro his teaching message, "Non-Stop"
A few pics from our latest outdoor adventures on the porch and even a neighborhood stroll.
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 Josh and Ben have been friends since junior high and have shared many stories, adventures, joys and sorrows together. This picture is from last year but it captures them both so well. This past Sunday, Aug. 25, while spending time with our friend Ben, we opted to watch Life Church online since attending church in person is not an option at the moment. The church was wrapping up a series called “Anxious for Nothing.”
As the message began, I actually started to feel more anxious. Even as the verses telling me not to worry appeared, I still felt uneasy. “Be anxious [μεριμνᾶτε] for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” – Acts 4:6 Afterward, I told our friend that watching a message on not being anxious actually made me feel more anxious. Like in some way, it just reminded me that there are many things to be anxious about right now. Kind of how you don’t notice something until someone points it out then it's all you can see. I even said, “It’s not that I am anxious for nothing but rather that I am anxious about everything.” Even while resting in God’s care and trusting his sovereignty, my humanity still fights. Wrestling with the tension, I decided to use Josh's fancy "Logos" Bible software that he often used, to study this verse in hopes of resolution and more clarity. The Greek word, μεριμνᾶτε, appearing here means to “be anxious about, to be troubled with care.” Other phrases used to describe the word include “to be burdened with anxious care” and yet another that resonates with me specifically states to “scan minutely.” Caring for Josh during this time is not a burden but it is hard. There are definitely many moments of anxious care where I find myself scanning the situation minutely to ensure Josh is resting well, has his basic needs met, feels loved and cared for, etc. When expectations and hopes are high yet Josh’s health declines, anxiety is a natural response. And I expect it is a natural response for anyone in a mismatched situation. Trying to “Give it to God” and follow the guidance of, “Be anxious for nothing” is not as simple as merely reading the words. Not fully settled with the words in Philippians, I continued to search for Godly wisdom and found it in a surprising place, in Jude 1. The word anxious also appears here but in a very different way. Here, instead of being anxious for things of this world, we are encouraged to look toward eternity. “But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life.” – Jude 1:20-21. The word's meaning in Jude is not the same as the one in Philippians. Instead, in this verse the word anxious means "to look forward to." I can't help but see the connection between the two. In the middle of anxiety we are to anxiously wait for God's mercy with an eternal perspective! What! Dare I simplify something down to a three-step process? • Don’t be anxious • Look forward to eternity • Rest in God’s Love. Of course, it's not quite simple. And that’s okay too. The Lord is still near as we weave in and out of the steps, and for that I am so thankful. “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard [our] hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” – Acts 4:7  Life can disappoint Cancer can disappoint People can disappoint but LOVE poured out simply cannot disappoint. I talked about Romans 5:5 before but found myself drawn back to it today. It started with erasing the words “and HOPE” from my kitchen wall this morning. In the process, I paused and decided to keep “does not disappoint.” In thinking about all that is happening right now, I realized that so many things can disappoint us but never God’s love nor the act of showing God's love to another person. I took a moment to reread Romans 5, because, really, can you ever read Romans enough times? It’s one of those core books to the Christian faith and a cornerstone book for the Gospel. (Check out Swindoll’s synopsis) Erasing the word HOPE written the largest on our blackboard backsplash seemed a little weird and I wondered if I was giving up little hope just by erasing the words. The answer is, “no.” I am simply refocusing. Last Friday, we had a hospital bed delivered. This was and continues to be a hard change as it is a large focus point in middle of the room. While it does allow Josh to rest easier, it also means not sitting beside him on the couch or sleeping next to him. I would say this change is disappointing and goes along with the growing list of disappointments that have occurred during the past several months – Josh having cancer, being on hospice, Josh needing more rest each week, having a hospital bed in the living room, etc. I even had what I refer to as a "Sulking Sunday" yesterday as I walked around Josh multiple times sleeping in the hospital bed. In the middle of these disappointments, three things (and probably more) are clearly not. 1) Being able to spend more special moments together with Josh. 2) The love of God being poured out on us through so many people – friends, family and our church community. 3) Being completely wrapped in God’s love and the gentle reminders each day that he is with us. So, while I am erasing the word HOPE today, I am adding in the word LOVE even larger. Ultimately the two are linked in the most incredible way in the gospel message beautifully captured in Romans 5:7-8. “For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:7-8 Because of this, I am able to hold on to hope and love a little deeper today. And on a more lighthearted note, all these changes have allowed me to rearrange my living room, which I love doing, like eight times in the past month and Josh only had to watch. :)   This morning, as I sat on the porch while Josh rested, the old spiritual, “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen” popped in my head. I paused and took a couple minutes to listen to it (link and video below). It’s such a slow-paced song, but fittingly so. You can feel the weight of it. I think what resonated most is that while a lot of people know our story, and even some of the events of our week, nobody knows what happens in each moment. Truly, only Jesus knows all the thoughts, feelings, joys and sorrows we are experiencing. In the moments when I might feel isolated, I'm reminded of God's presence. Even in the really messy moments that you don’t want to see – and neither do we at times – he is there. What’s incredible about this song is that right after expressing the sincerity of the ups and downs, and pausing in the “trouble,” the next response is “Glory Hallelujah.” It's a challenge at times to want to give glory to God for the troubles – in the moments when you feel like your falling flat to the ground. Sometimes you can't do anything else but turn to God, but still, other times you just want to run from it all. I am so thankful Jesus not only see us in our ups and downs but he sees us through it. Part of keeping going means remembering the "Glory Hallelujah" at the start, middle and end of each day, in each season and in each messy moment. Take a moment and listen to this old classic and give a little Glory Hallelujah in the middle of your day. Nobody knows the trouble I've seenLyrics Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Nobody knows my sorrow Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Glory, Hallelujah Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Nobody knows but Jesus Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Glory, Hallelujah Sometimes I'm up Sometimes I'm down Oh, yes, Lord Sometimes I'm almost to the ground Oh, yes, Lord Oh, nobody knows the trouble I've seen Nobody knows my sorrow Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Glory, Hallelujah Oh, every day to you I pray Oh, yes Lord For you to drive my sins away Oh, yes Lord Oh, nobody knows the trouble I've seen Nobody knows but Jesus Nobody knows the trouble I've seen (Glory) glory Hallelujah (hallelujah) (Lord) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVKKRzemX_w  Humidity. For those who grew up in it, it can feel like a warm, cozy blanket in the depths of summer. It sometimes feels like you are swimming through the air. If traveling or returning from a more dry climate, you might feel like you can’t breathe because the air is so thick.
Today, as I rested for a few moments in my hammock, I thought about how my current circumstances kind-of resemble humidity. (I know another strange parallel from Jenn). In the same way I have heard people say, “I don’t know how you can breathe in this weather [humidity],” I've also heard people say things like, “I don’t know how you do it,” - relating to full-time caretaking including finding creative ways to lift, move and process while staying somewhat together with Josh’s current situation and not crying all the time. Honestly, I'm not sure how either. I suppose, much like the weather, all of it starts to become part of me, and together we move forward day by day, minute by minute. Of course, caring for a loved one in an intense situation does not offer the same cozy feelings that a humid summer day might, but there is something about it that does feel natural. Like in some way, God has prepared me for this season (and I truly believe he has). And even in it, he continues to offer hope and guidance. Of course, there are down and out days. There are times when I feel like I can’t breathe from the weight of it all, when my worry is in hyperdrive. Yet even in these moments, I pause . . . take a big deep breath and lift my heart and eyes up. I can’t help but think of the verses found in Psalm 121: I lift up my eyes to the mountains-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. As I continue to read the rest of the chapter, a new layer of peace fills my heavy heart. This peace, wraps around me like a cozy, humid, summer day in the Midwest and I am once again grateful for a God who watches over my life and of the life of my husband who I so dearly love. In the same way, God is with you in whatever season or circumstance you are facing. He watches over each of us, in a much less creepy way than the old Police song, "Every Breath You Take" but rather as one who loves and cares deeply about the details of our lives. And for that I am thankful. ". . . the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121 | A song of ascents. 1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains-- where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3 He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. 5 The Lord watches over you-- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 7 The Lord will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life; 8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. |
About UsIn April of 2019, we learned that Josh had a large brain tumor, a glioblastoma, in the middle of his brain. At the age of 41, this was quite the surprise. Josh sadly passed away after a short battle on September 30, 2019.
View his obituary These past months, we've navigated the complexities of treatment, and hospice care and learned that there wasn't really treatment and that in Josh's case, the tumor was inoperable. We're sharing our hearts and experience as we navigate this unexpected turn and God's goodness in the middle of it. We hope to encourage others by sharing our story. Thank you for following along with our journey even in grief. Feel free to message us. If you'd like to donate to medical expenses, here's a link or you can email us questions Previous posts
October 2019
More about Josh & JennJenn Brown is the author of this site, a loving wife and communications guru.
Josh Brown most recently served on staff at Fellowship Bible Church in NWA as a Springdale Community Pastor. We've served in ministry in Missouri, Texas, Virginia and Nevada. Cancer has been big part of our story. Josh has battled cancer three times already with the first to being non-Hodgkins lymphoma at ages 15 and 25 and the third thyroid cancer last year and a GBM, brain tumor this year. Jenn's mom, Carol passed away from breast cancer 21 years ago and her father also went through treatments for Chronic Leukemia (CLL) in 2017 and is doing well now. Friends & FamilyWe have been so encouraged by friends and family. Thank you for the practical ways you are caring for us! We love you all! This is just few photo highlights of some meaningful moments.
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