Home Together

Discharging from the hospital can be great news. It often indicates a bit of recovery and everyone is glad to be headed home. While going home on Wednesday was a positive change, our departure did not make us feel like celebrating.
 
In fact, I was holding back tears as my brother-in-law helped load Josh in ole Ravi (our adventure vehicle). I continued leaking tears as we drove home and finally decided some music might help. I turned on the Hamilton soundtrack set to One Last Time, “George Washington’s going home…” to lighten the mood. It indeed helped.
 
We embarked on our return trip home with a heavy heart. You see, we discharged from the hospital without a plan to return to treatment through oncology but instead to begin hospice care. There is much weight and meaning to this word. And over the past several days, we have discussed in-depth with the doctors, nurses, family and friends what it means.
 
What we’ve come to realize is that the treatments have really weakened Josh’s body. He is now battling additional issues that are complex, and at times equally life-threatening, including blood clots, bleeding, pneumonia and non-recovering platelets levels, etc. We're in a cycle that is not good or easy to fix.
 
While last week’s MRI showed signs that the brain tumor may have shrunk slightly, it is still located in a really bad spot and continues to be inoperable.
 
We were and still are hoping for more positive news. Even in the midst of knowing that GBMs are some of the hardest kinds of cancers to treat, it is a gut-punch to shift to this plan. Even saying, typing and sharing the words hospice is hard.
 
While facing this reality, we still cling to fragments of hope. Our doctor reassured us many times that we can still evaluate Josh, check his levels and even meet with her. If Josh appears to gain strength or improve we can move out of hospice and reevaluate treatment options - which even still are limited. For now, hospice allows us to receive the most consistent care while remaining in the comfort of our home. The focus is on enjoying time together in our home, with family, friends and even our pups.
 
This is in no way easy. Our hearts are very heavy. And there's still a lot of uncertainty.
 
Josh does understand what’s happening but is weak and still has trouble sharing many words or even at times the right ones. Simple things like standing up and moving a few steps are a struggle that calls for some extra hands and help along with creative thinking.
 
Of course, many tears have been shared as we continue to process this as family and friends. While, it’s natural to want to ask the question, “How much time is there?” We, of course, can’t answer this.
(Ecclesiastes 3:11).
 
Instead, we continue to take one day at a time, choosing to see and embrace each moment together.  
 
God continues to be evident, providing strength that I don’t even understand as I love and care for my husband in new, complex ways.
 
I continue to pray for more moments, smiles and adventures as I trust in a God who can do anything. Each day, I try to remember the joyful moments – and strive to not get swallowed up in the not so great ones.
 
There is joy to still be found in watching movies together, eating meals together and even navigating new challenges together. Because, as the sign on our living room wall says,
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“Together is a wonderful place to be.”
 
In the midst of this, I am beyond thankful for family and friends who surround us in this season. God’s love is being displayed greatly by so many people who care so much and want to do any and everything.

Thank you all!!
 
Please continue to pray for good moments, wisdom and so much more.

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