Here in the Depths

Tuesday 3 a.m.
I really want to stop posting sad things but “sad bombs” keep blowing up around every corner, with each embrace, with each tender moment.
 
A not so smooth bathroom break at 3 a.m. made for some scurrying and the need for some extra pain meds as Josh's legs hurt from standing. Now, he is back to sleeping heavily. Meanwhile, I am wide awake.

Within the past 15 minutes I may have briefly tapped into all stages of the grief cycle: Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Mostly the anger is due to the ice machine directly across from our room, "Why does anyone need eight cups of ice a 3 a.m.?" – Seriously!).
 
My focus though, lands more on the sorrow-filled parts of the cycle as I have a complete pity party while laying on a pillow on the edge of Josh’s bedrail watching him breathe.

Is this what the 'depths of despair' feels like?
 
The words to a song by John Mark McMillian enter my mind,
 
“I could lay my head in sheol
I could make my bed at the bottom of darkness deep
Oh but there is not a place I could escape you . . ."

From this spark, I begin to wonder, “What is sheol?” (Having not remembered all those seminary words that Josh may have used around me). I snag my computer for an internet search that quickly gets out of control.
 
In the process, I re-learn that "sheol" is a Old Testament Hebrew word which refers to the grave. This, of course, is a bit of a jarring thing to think about at such a sensitive time, so I just Google some more (Distractions, right?), and learn even more about the word. Along the way, I find some additional late-night encouragement and began to see how this word, that randomly popped in my mind, is presented in scripture.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.   
- Psalm 139: 7-9 (NASB)

This is a complete reminder that the Lord is there; that the Lord is near.  
In the depths of my despair, the Lord is near.
Hallelujah.
 
Almost exactly an hour after the night-time pit stop, I begin to rest in God’s presence again. As soon as I do, Josh makes a weird sound and my heart rate increases with worry.

I pause, pray, breathe and remember the rest of the song lyrics.
 
“Your heart won’t stop coming after me
Your heart won’t stop coming after me
Your heart won’t stop coming after
Coming after me”
 
What reassuring words. Not only is Christ here, but he keeps finding ways to come after me (and us) – in each moment because he loves us so. (Whew!)
 
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:38-39
  
References:
https://insight.org/resources/daily-devotional/individual/god-is-ever-near
https://www.worshiptogether.com/songs/heart-wont-stop-john-mark-mcmillan/
https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/sheol/
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