If nothing else, dress with confidence, right? I began the day with this strategy and while it helped, I still had to take several deep breaths as I walked up the stairs to my second floor office space.
But guess what! Nothing too crazy happened. I made it the whole day, enjoyed the company of familiar friends and coworkers and didn't have to quickly exit the room or office at any point. This might still happen but today, it didn't.
Truly, the hardest part of this day hit on the way home, realizing I couldn't call Josh to tell him the latest office news or to let him know I was actually leaving to come home.
Working through grief is still complicated as I don't always know what to say, neither do others - and that's okay. I don't mind people asking me about Josh or saying sorry - I still like talking about him. It's the, "How are you?" question that is most tricky. I honestly don't know the answer. Most days, I'm a "shaky okay" trying to make it through my day while deeply missing simple things like being able to call, text or see the person I have loved most in this world. The person who understood me really well.
On one hand, it's a relief to not worry about Josh's health, often fearing what could happen while I was at work. But on the other hand, I miss caring for him, seeing him and sharing our tender moments together. I miss everything about him.
Today's verse of the day in the Bible app really resonated, another God's sighting in the mix of this season.
O Lord, You are my God;
I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name;
For You have worked wonders,
Plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.
- Isaiah 25:1 (NASB)
With the concept of "work" rich in my mind, I thought about God working wonders throughout history and in my own life. Even while feeling like some of my hopes and dreams have been met with disappointment, there's no denying the wonder of God throughout my story and in the beauty I have witnessed while traveling the past few weeks - and even in this fall day.
It's hard for me to accept today's plan as perfect, but it is God's plan - a plan that continues to showcase God's perfect faithfulness. I'm trusting that truth even in my negotiations and mixed up feelings.
Today, I am thankful for this day and for being able to go back to work. God is still good.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.