Wednesday night, Dec. 4, I spent several hours putting up holiday decor. This year, I won't get a big real tree like Josh and I have done so often in previous years. The reasons are many, with the root being, it’s a different kind of year.
Instead, this year I took my mother-in-law up on her offer (and challenge) to put up a tree - even if I didn't want one. I selected a small snowy, outdoors looking artificial tree and I opted to go with all blue lights and lanterns. It feels calm and cozy.
However, after only a few hours of decorating last night though, I was wiped. It’s crazy how exhausting grief remains to be. Even looking at Christmas stuff made me feel tired as I didn’t FEEL like decorating. I almost surrendered and laid on the couch, but I forced myself to keep doing a bit more. It’s a process, step by step.
Now, the tree and mantle decorations are up. It feels fresh with hints of memories from unboxed Christmas decor from previous seasons and the ceramic moose head Josh loved. I'm still debating whether I want to see the words Merry before Christmas so prominently displayed. Merry is definitely not a nearby feeling. I can get to it at times, but not easily.
Even as I dwell in the Christmas blues, the truth of the season remains good. It's a story of hope. The message of Christ’s coming. This incredible event offered not just new hope for a hurting world, but it also provided a God of comfort and love for each of our hurting hearts in all seasons and generations.
This is the beauty in the blues. The hope, comfort and joy and I can still run to at times when I all I want to do is run away.
“Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel, “ which translated means, “GOD WITH US.” - Matthew 1:23 NASB
I am thankful for a God who IS with me in this blue Christmas season.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.