That Makes Four

Another month has ended. This means, in the timeline of my grief, it’s been four months. September 30 to January 30.*

This means four months of trying to figure out what life looks like without Josh in my view. Four months of not hugging him, checking on him, caring for him and telling him in person how much I loved him. It’s four months of still not fully believing that this is my life now.

For my four-month report on how I’m doing, there are few solid answers but instead many descriptors of grief — challenging, sad, hard, hopeful at times, confusing, okay.

Each passing month, my emotions have fluctuated up and down. Returning from Christmas and a great vacation to start 2020, I fell into a pretty low period -- missing Josh lots, crying nearly every day. Today, a few weeks further down the road, I feel slightly more steady.

Evaluating these four months, I can easily say that not all feelings in the grief process can be trusted – especially since they change often. Some feelings and thoughts can train-wreck hope shining through the dark, they can create internal arguments of hope, doubt and confidence.

All I can say is, at this point in my journey, grief continues to be a day by day quest. It’s a slow process as I  strive to soak in God’s presence, rest, breathe, stretch, write and trust that God is working in me and through me. My back has been sore lately so the rest is even more important to physical healing too.

Am I less sad at the four-month mark than I was in month one? Nah, not really but I am seeing some things more clearly. I miss Josh greatly, and often tear up as I continue to accept the truth of it all. Yet I remain forever thankful for our memories, moments, hugs, kisses and adventures.

It's still hard to believe that last year at this time, we were eating pizza and buying new lamps in Tulsa. In many ways, I would love a repeat of early 2019, but know that enjoying 2020 is important too.

I was reminded in a sermon today of the importance of enjoying the present moment with Jesus and others (whatever it is). There is good that can be found in embracing the grief process of today – seeing the moments of friendship and authenticity and being okay with the sorrow that comes too.  

When I take time to really sit in God's presence, I am able to see more clearly the good in this journey. (And yes, there is still bad I see too but I'm trying). Already in 2020 some wonderful new memories have occurred, here are a few highlights.

• Celebrating the Chief's Super Bowl win with family and friends
• Embracing #nationalpizzaday by having pizza 4 different times with 4 different friend groups
• Being surrounded with amazing friends in #JBProjectGarageClean2020  
• Peaceful moments with the pups on the porch
• Fueling my love of college basketball with the Razorbacks (taking new friends to each game)
• Continuing to find healing in my heart and embracing each new day
• Sitting with Jesus in my hope, hurt, grief and journey

*This post is a few days past the actual 4-month mark.

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