Standing

I feel it creeping in. The doubt, the fear, the worry. 
Is this sin? Is this me not trusting God with THIS new chapter of my life? I am not even sure if this season is new or the same really, really long season of wavering thoughts and emotions. Either way, I am in it.

I feel beaten down, at times, and want to escape. I try to focus, pray and trust that God has a plan, but I find myself diving back into fear, panic, doubt and questioning.

Maybe I'm a bit like Jonah – questioning God's plan, unhappy about it.  I am also on a journey I don't want to be on. I didn't want to travel to grief island. But here I am. I continue to share my story, God's story, with those around me even though, at times, I still want to complain about having to do so in this way. It wasn't until I began writing this post that I found the parallel to this Biblical character.

How do I navigate this fear, doubt and anxiety? What does faith look like when the waves of disappointment have crashed – a lot! Am I swimming in doubt still? James 1:6 comes to mind:

“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

This verse is a challenge as I think about the hope I had for healing in our family last year and I can’t help but wonder if some sliver of doubt caused the outcome to change. I know the answer — No, definitely not. That is not the truth of this verse. And although, I am confident of this, my feelings try to battle it. Ultimately, what I believe this verse is saying is, “Keep believing, keep moving forward, hold on to faith.”

For me, moving forward means being consistent with praying, writing and resting in God’s plan. Not moving forward looks a lot like ignoring God’s word, getting caught up in media (TV, social media, shopping) and being crazy consumed in the worries about my future. It often means starting to believe things that aren’t true, like, “You can’t do anything, your best years are over, you won’t recover from this, etc…”

It can be surprisingly easy to dwell here instead of focusing on who God says I am here and now, then and always: “Loved, Beautiful, Cherished and Very Capable, etc…”

Fear is an easy emotion to sink into during times of sorrow, pain and doubt. But it is also precisely the time when trusting in God's love is even more critical. This week, I've heard the same song, “Stand in Your Love,” by Josh Baldwin, in various places. It's familiar to me, but this week I found myself captivated by it in a new way. 

Diving into the lyrics, I connect with the heartache, fear, sorrow and pain in the opening lyrics:

When darkness tries to roll over my bones
When sorrow comes to steal the joy I own
When brokenness and pain is all I know

Thankfully, the song doesn't end there. Instead, an anthem begins to rise: 

Oh, I won't be shaken, no, I won't be shaken. 

The song strengthens with a chorus that offers hope and strength for tackling deep waters of fear and doubt.
.
My fear doesn't stand a chance.
When I stand in Your love.”
“My fear doesn't stand a chance.
When I stand in Your love.
“My fear doesn't stand a chance.
When I stand in Your love.

Putting this song on repeat as I work and travel to and fro helps fill my heart and mind with God's truth – offering a bit of stability and support as I attempt to stand in this season. I still want to drift toward fear and doubt. The cool thing is, God continues to send out a signal. I couldn't help but smile today when a second confirmation appeared on my phone, a simple "verse of the day" alert:  

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
- 1 Peter 5:7 (NASB)

Tag on this video: I am standing on the rock, my firm foundation. You're my firm foundation. :) 

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