Yet again, I'm repeating the refrain of “Happy Heavenly Birthday.” It's still easier to celebrate a birthday more than a passing day, but sorrow permeates this date ever so slightly. At core, I want to celebrate, and even more than that, I want to remember. As the lyrics of the recently heard Wilco song state,
“Remember to remember me
Standing still in your past . . . “
Remembering Josh comes with remembering to enjoy life. So this weekend's birthday celebrations included listening to a band he loved (Wilco) and going to see the Taylor Swift Era’s Tour movie with a friend. I love how my friend stated, “We can celebrate all the Eras of Josh with Taylor Swift” - this seemed popcorn perfect to me.
I had breakfast with Josh's mom today recalling key moments from his life. Sharing these memories brings tears to our eyes, but are important and refreshing. Simply talking about the idea of remembering reminds me of Josh's love of the Old Testament and his encouragement to "remember God's faithfulness."
In working through my grief still today, my mind wrestles. I debate things like, “Should I post an old photo of Josh?” “Do I really need to go to a concert of group because Josh liked them?” “Am I stuck in my grief or still progressing?”
You as the reader might feel the need to answer these questions for me, but ultimately they are my questions to conquer. Grief often leads to second-guessing (literally everything) - especially as it's an emotionally charged activity. In the past four years, I've made progress and know I have more work to do.
With that . . . I'll call it a wrap for this special birthday and circle back to a prayer of thanksgiving as I remember a very special person in my life!
“Thank you Lord for the time Josh had on this earth. Thank you for the eras of love, family, ministry, grief and adventure. Thank you for friends and family all along the way.”
p.s. For the past several weeks, I’ve been navigating the word “same” and how it fits into my grief narrative. So stay tuned for a few themed posts centered around the "same."
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.