Carving out Grief

​The exhaustion hit last night and carried into today. For the first time in days, we didn’t have to plan or do anything. Friends and family, still around, gathered as we continued to share stories, laugh and cry - with these three things on a repeating loop.

The celebration of life service, evening potluck and lantern release were beautiful and so perfect.
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As I woke the day after services, a few tears still trickled down, but my heart swelled with gratitude as I thought about our friends who stepped up to support us in such big ways through all of this. It was beautiful to see friends honoring my husband in creative and thoughtful ways all across the country. I love that we have friends everywhere. 

Much of the day was spent with resting with family and laughing with friends who met each other for the first time this weekend. Old and newer friends blending together - how cool. It rained all day long, which seemed so fitting for how I felt. A big raincloud, representing great sorrow lingered over us; we trudged on through it with soaked feet, laughter and tears intertwined.  

We ended the night by painting and carving pumpkins. I teared up a few times at my mother-in-laws, which is a hard place to be, even though I love it. My brother-in-law thanked God for the food and Josh and as we said, "Amen," my face was streaked with tears – again. We read through cards and memories shared with us and agreed this is going to tough. And we're going to miss Josh A LOT.

Whew - deep breaths. 

A new season sits here on the horizon. A new season with unexpected tears at any moment, layers of grief, friendship that will continue to grow and many unknowns. It's a season to lean in and trust God all the more, but in many ways, I find myself asking, "How do I do this?"

I will consider all your works
    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
Your ways, God, are holy.
    What god is as great as our God?
– Psalm 77:12-13

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