Grief is Tiring

It's probably the rush of the past week and a half that has me at this point of exhaustion but it is definitely how I feel. In this state, it seems I just kind of zombie walk through life. Thankfully, I'm not really working but even doing basic things like filling the car with gas, shopping here and there or going with friends to a theme park (Silver Dollar City), I feel like I am in a haze. Hearing some parts of conversations, feeling like I am participating but wondering if I really am. 

Today, I watched the memorial service video again while editing it to share (tomorrow's project). It's strange to watch the service, "Did we really do that?" and it also regenerated a lot of feelings from that day of celebration and sorrow. 

There probably is much more to say about today in particular, but it will have to wait as this fairly simple day has worn me out. I write and post tonight because, I have this funny goal of wanting to share a little bit about each day of this new season. Each day offers up layers upon layers of thoughts and feelings. I imagine it like a rock with layers of history and sedimentary rocks within it. Grief layers of joy, sorrow, doubt, etc. 

As I mentioned before, today, was a bit foggy. Most our family agrees, we are glad Josh isn't hurting any more but we still really wanted the answer to our prayers to be different than our current reality. This is not a new wish but one that we now are processing on the other side of the events of September 30.

Tomorrow I am heading back to my own home. I know I need to do this at some point, of course, but there is a nice safety net I have built up here in Missouri. I'm back to that saying, "Don't Panic" to myself.
Perhaps Psalm 55:22 is an even better reminder for this season. 

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous be shaken.
– Psalm 55:22

---