Goodnight Stars & Morning Tears

Enter Day 1 - I woke up crying, of course. 

I tried to sleep last night and although exhausted, I struggled. I couldn't even really think, my mind a mushy mess.

I ended last night outside staring at the stars. When I looked at my watch at 11:45 p.m. I thought, "I can't go to sleep until I see the last moment of this night" –  the last night/day spent with Josh here on earth. So I waited. I laid on the patio furniture and gazed at the stars and let the sorrow sink in even more. I finally surrendered at 12:05. I had made it to a new official day. 

Going to sleep wasn't easy even after an emotional day. I knew I needed sleep but simply could not. Instead, I watched old TV comedies that I've often enjoyed with Josh. After a few episodes I fell asleep, only to wake up one hour later. Ugh! The second time three hours later. I stirred and immediately felt the need to cry. And did. Ugh!

The support and encouragement pouring in on my text and social media posts are encouraging but result in more tears.  I thought, maybe, I had pre-grieved some but nope, still not enough. There's no way to really prepare.

I know this is going to be a long road. My heart will continue to be heavy for long time, grief continues on. I know it.

For now, I cry out for the Lord's help. And lean in on the love and support that is surrounding me.

I pray that Jesus will be with me and trust truly that he is indeed.
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