You know the feeling - when you are mesmerized by someone's skill and talent, that's what Gabe, Julie and I all experienced as we dance the night away to the cover band at Gabe's work conference evening gathering (that I join in with). Not every song was amazing but most were quite fun, iconic and some of the mixes just perfectly clever.
It was a fun night, hanging out dancing and laughing. For several moments I forgot about all the other background noise of my life. Unfortunately, it doesn't take long to get back there though - to feel all the emotion again. It's in the slight pause between songs or walking to or from my car. Crazy fun distractions can only last so long.
Already in the day, I shed a few tears thinking about how much I missed Josh and thinking about how strange it is to meet new people who don't know my story. Do I tell them about why I am really on a road trip? Dropping the "My husband died." comment is kind of a bombshell for the casual bystander at the dog park who wants to know why I am in town. I find even out to lunch with friends/family, I have to pause in the bathroom to breathe or clear up some tears - and I never really know when these will hit. Even when we are just hanging as family we still can't help but want to talk about the "why" - fighting to still understand something that lacks understanding.
Life on the road offers a freedom that life in the city and with people I know and love doesn't. Of course, I need people around me and doing life with me but the complexities of all the emotions are hard to navigate or even try to explain. I have to press forward into these relationships - hoping they'll be patient me in my newfound fear and awkwardness.
Grief is tricky and can shift the melodies of our lives so significantly. I am not sure what the melody even is right now but I am leaning in and trying to listen to understand it.
P.S. I love my brother and sister-in-law and they had the most perfect costume and I know they will love all the photos included below of them looking goofy. :)
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.