3+19+20

Today marks three months since my beloved husband passed away. At the three-month mark, I am teetering on the edge of many feelings, I still at times feel the shock. Did this really happen? How? But mostly, I just miss him being part of my daily life and conversations.

The most common question today is, “Did you have a good Christmas?” I could say, “No” but that isn’t completely true. Yes, there were hard moments but also several good ones too. So, rather than explaining it all, I typically just answer, “Yes” or “It was okay.”

Christmas without Josh was okay - not my favorite. I felt better once the official holidays and various parties were over. Being surrounded with family and friends made a huge difference but there was still a new style of heaviness with this holiday season.

Big sigh.

Also today, I am turning my gaze ahead to 2020 — not to just a new year but a new decade! Life sure feels different going into this year. Surprisingly, New Year’s celebrations don’t feel as daunting.

I know that the simple change from 19 to 20 won’t erase my heartache but the new year does offer a new kind of hope. Hope that new opportunities will appear. Opportunities to encourage others through my story, to explore and adventure onward and to keep wrestling out my faith and trust God in this next chapter.

The best words I have to describe my feelings when thinking forward is, “This could be interesting. Hard. But interesting.”
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So with permission to look back and remember all that was 2019 and equal permission to hope for 2020, I continue on. I grieve onward.

I miss Josh and give thanks for our time together in 2019 and prior.