 In the countdown to Sept 30, this day was lovely all around. Even in the midst of reflecting on grief intentionally, I realize there is much beauty to grasp in the day-to-day life. Out of curiosity, I looked back at what was happening on the days leading up to Josh’s passing. I found a post from Sept 27 about fall decor, pumpkins and Josh’s love of pumpkin pie concretes. I remember the weight of emotion as I sat in the tentative space of not knowing when my final moment with him might be. I hoped, loved and hurt all at the same time – as many caretakers do. Today, life is lighter. I enjoyed time with friends and leaned into the independence and confidence I have found along this widowhood journey. I hooked up my camper and headed to the perfect campsite right on the water at Table Rock Lake. The cloudy day with windy water and drizzle had its own beauty to behold, but then God put an exclamation point on it with a double rainbow and an array of colors along the shoreline. I couldn’t help but feel gratitude for this moment. It seems along with the heartache of grief one can find gratitude as a nearby companion. Maybe it’s not always easy to emotionally bring the feeling to the surface but it's there waiting for acknowledgement. Much like a rainbow moment, we can even miss the opportunity for gratitude if we are distracted. (I literally almost missed the rainbow because I was goofing around inside the camper). Of course, finding what to be grateful for in grief can be a challenge - because the hurt is real and it stings sharply. Time helps with the hurt but doesn't erase it all. I'm still not "happy" about losing Josh from my life, but know that experiencing grief has given me a strength and perspective that I wouldn’t have otherwise. Everyday I strive to understand it more and pray it makes me a more compassionate person (and on many days it does). As this day ends, gratitude is on the front burner. I am thankful for encouraging friends who sing silly songs with me, friends who text and check on me, and who call me with random ideas about life. I’m thankful for ideal campsites, cute adventure dogs, rainbows and duct tape (which is currently holding parts of my camper together). Above all, I am thankful for a God who sees me through it all and loves me just the same.
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Author: JennHi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer. Archives
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