Griefbursts Before 5

As the fifth September since Josh’s passing looms closer, it seems this year I am even more emotional. There are probably many factors to the feelings, starting with my friend Scott who once shared an office with Josh. He and his family are relocating to the Ozarks and he will be working at my church with me. I have not seen him in about five years and when he entered my new scene, he tossed out Josh and Jenn so casually that it caught me off guard. People in my new work world don’t lump us together in the same way because they never experienced “us” in the same way. From day 1 it was just Jenn.

That seemed to start the spark of the string of funny feelings leading into this 5 year marker. Around the same time, I decided to train to be a facilitator for a new grief group - which led to more talking about Josh in new spaces in new ways. Sitting in room of people who are freshly experiencing the grief is also heavy.

I explain all this as the root of a math equation in some way. Maybe all of this adds up to the reason for my complete crying meltdown as I was practicing my guitar on a Saturday afternoon. Singing a song that had the words “Me and Jim” I subbed in my mind, me and Josh, and the tears began to fall - soon I was in a whole mess of a crying situation, trying to snuggle with my dog for comfort.

Just when I think, it’s been 5 years, I’m doing ok, a day/moment like this hits. And I realize I am not so good. My heart still hurts something fierce. I miss Josh so much. As much as I want to love again, I wonder can I really. Is there room in my heart for another, really? Maybe it’s already too full of love, doubt, fear and sorrow? These could-be song lyrics cross my mind, “No matter what I try I can’t get over you by my side. I just want you here.”

Some might say the more you hurt shows how deeply you loved. That’s tricky in many ways thinking of the future. The words aren’t really a comfort. It just makes me dive deeper in to self analzying.

I do admit, this is a real and raw piece of writing, that maybe is too personal to share but grief is real and raw and very personal. So many times, we don’t talk about it. It’s easier to not tell anyone about our secret, at-home, (or in the car) meltdown moments but they happen. (Feel free to give yourself permission for them). So I share it to remind anyone else that they are not alone in their tears, or even in the feeling of “Am I crazy?” Should I STILL be crying like this?

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. As someone shared in the grief group this week, as long as you are not hurting anyone (that includes yourself …e.g. destructive behavior) you can process the emotions as needed - for however long. A good cry for no reason is definitely ok.

I say this to myself also for reassurance…as I am definitely feeling a bit weird about it all. I'll be a little less weird feeling in a day or two but who knows what next moment might catch me.