Anniversary Math 5+18=23

​Anniversaries seem to include a lot of math. How many years have we been together? How many years has it been since we did this or we did that? And each time you do the math somehow, it still doesn’t seem accurate. How could it be that long or that short? Today would be my 23rd wedding anniversary. Coincidentally our anniversary day math equals our “would be” years. I just realized this writing the title!

​This day, especially, still leaves me in a melancholy mood. The sorrow is not quite as severe as it was the first year, but it manages to sit on my chest like a brick. ❤️‍🩹💔

Just yesterday I was talking to someone about their “would be” 40th anniversary and she said, “you were so young to lose your husband.” My response, “yes, but it still hurts no matter how long.” 

Our grief and sorrow is not for comparing. It is different for sure but thinking, “oh they were married longer so it hurts more or it hurts less”, is not always accurate. Comparing is not fair in life or in death. Of course, there are a lot of things that aren’t fair in the world - I know there’s a whole lot we can say about that and I probably have at times.

Anyway, as I attempt to process the thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart today I am still thankful for saying, “I do” and “until death do us part” on May 18, 2002. I still greatly wish Josh and I could be celebrating another anniversary. If I add in the seven years of dating, I guess we’d be 30 years together at this point - crazy math once again. The bonus is that I got some added family members out of this mix that I still get to call my own. For that, I am very thankful. 

I am not an expert on grief, but I have lived it and there’s a lot of talk about you not moving on from grief. It’s true, you don’t just move on. I call my blog Grieving On, not because it’s about moving on, but I feel like I am carrying it with me so I’m grieving on. I’m grieving on in the sense of movement. On days like today, the movement is not as active but also life still happens around me. There are new memories and joyful moments still happening. Even still, the day can feel a little bit like sticky mud where it’s hard to gain traction. Even if trying to make the best of a sticky situation, mud pies don’t always taste so good.

So a sigh for a Happy/not so happy anniversary. But a smile for the love I experienced and the joys we shared as Mr and Mrs. Brown. 🤎

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