5 Before 5

One week prior to September 30, I had already considered how I might process the upcoming anniversary. This year marks five years since my beloved Josh left this world. It really is wild to think it has been 5 WHOLE YEARS! My grief blog these days is a bit more sporadic, but there are still moments of emotion that come out of the blue. Processing and writing about these helps (at least me!). I continue to process how I feel about Josh’s physical absence from my life (his spirit seems to still be in many places).

Approaching this anniversary (of sorts), I decided to write a blog post everyday starting five days before the 30th. This would mean starting on the 25th and posting each day. Yet, as the 25th came, my day filled up with work, Bible studies, dinner and various conversations. I got home at a reasonable time in the evening with the idea in mind to sit down and write but instead found myself cleaning various paper piles and reorganizing TV and speaker wires unnecessarily. Writing about my aching heart that I still carry with me did not seem appealing – even to someone who loves to process and write.

So here I am a few minutes past the fifth day writing with this thought in mind: What have I learned in five years?

1. I have learned I still like similar things like shoes, decorating with fall pumpkins and adventures. In sum: I’m still me!
2. I’ve learned that there are many people everyday who are experiencing the weight of grief, I am not alone.
3. I’ve discovered many, many people who don’t know how to talk about loss - and don’t want to.
4. Even after five years, I still want to remember my life with Josh, I want to celebrate it, talk about and not be embarrassed of it for whatever reason.
5. I have continued to lean into the knowledge that it’s ok to not be ok. There is space to rest in the heartache and the scars of grief.
6. And that God is still worth trusting.
   
   These are some general thoughts for this 5 before 5 day that lingered in my mind as I was doing many other things today and even as I tried to detach from my grief with busyness. 
   
   How very different this day was than the five days before September 30, 2019.